Today I sit in the seat of frustration . . . not harmony, not compassion, not benevolence. I have something inside that so strongly wants to be expressed that it wants to smash through the barriers that cage it. Now is not the first time I’ve felt this way. This is a recurring theme in my life. So, I think it’s worth my while to try to solve it. This feeling seems selfish to me; it doesn’t fully satisfy my heart. At the same time, it’s undeniable.

I think my usual strategy is to keep it quiet or satisfied enough that it doesn’t get too loud or forceful. That gets harder and harder the more Brain Education training I do or the more I try to develop myself. I guess that’s normal.

My current emotional roller coaster was triggered by family time this weekend, which was beautiful, but which triggered old insecurities, not around my immediate family, but around some extended family.

More buttons were pressed when I found out that we were going to hire a full-time online content writer who I would have to manage. I have many mixed feelings about managing someone, and those reactions have been flooding my brain since I heard about it yesterday. Taking a walk helped to clear some of it, but there is more to work out.

On the one hand, I know it will be good for my growth, and it seems like a natural progression from blocking out external distractions while we worked on publishing our new book last month to hosting my dad while he was in Arizona to being part of a family unit again to having an employee I need to take care of. My social awareness and sphere of influence are expanding.

I will do my best to take care of this person and help them have a rewarding work life while making worthwhile contributions to the company. I will be proactive in expanding our online presence and making money from it. However, I realized that I haven’t really desired help, and I realized that it was because I wasn’t taking full responsibility for my projects.

That’s where the angry frustration comes in. It’s in my nature to take responsibility and lead, but I was basically sticking my middle finger up at a situation in which goals are passed down from on high and are constantly changing. Strategies change too. Everything is constantly changing. I’m used to it. Unfortunately, the way I’ve been dealing with it is, rather than taking responsibility, I let everything go and not become attached. My attitude has been: If you want this, ok, I’ll do it. Now you want this? Ok, I’ll do that. I make plans because I have to, but ultimately, to me, they are meaningless exercises I need to carry out until the plans change. I can’t tell whether anything I do actually makes a difference to anyone except to help my boss feel supported in accomplishing everything we need to do. For me, helping her was enough. I was fine with that. But now, she says I have to make plans and have my own helper.

The problem is that when I make plans, I want to do tons of research before I find the best option or sometimes just run ahead and get something done to keep some momentum. Also, once I decide something, really decide, that’s it. I really hate changing my mind. It took so much effort to decide; I don’t want to go through that process again, and if I change it, the decision seems meaningless. This process doesn’t fit into our work culture.

This worry may be moot anyway, though, because usually when someone says I’ll be in charge of something, it ends up meaning that I’m just the person communicating with the various people on the project. It doesn’t mean I’m actually creating something; ultimately, nothing is up to me.

So, if I’m going to be proactive and make plans, I’d rather do something all on my own without supervision, such as raising the consciousness/awareness of media professionals and media companies. That would be a worthwhile thing. I could say I made a difference if I did that. I’ve been saying I wanted to do that for a while, but haven’t done it. Now is the time. I’ll keep my day job (I like eating), and do this project on the side. It will be a long road, and I have no idea where the road even starts, but I’m looking forward to it.