the music that runs the most often in my mind lately

[AXIS] Katie Kim – “Remember”

Jay Park (박재범) X Yultron (율트론) – ‘Forget About Tomorrow’

Jay Park – SOJU ft. 2 Chainz

Ok, so I’ve been listening to a lot of Jay Park over the last couple of days. And then, here’s some other good stuff in a similar genre that pops up.

HYUKOH(혁오) – LOVE YA!

HENRY 헨리 ‘Monster’

에릭남 (Eric Nam) – 솔직히 (Honestly…)

에릭남 (Eric Nam) – Potion (feat. Woodie Gochild)

Gallant x Tablo x Eric Nam – Cave Me In

[STATION] 엠버 (AMBER) X 루나 (LUNA) ‘Lower’

[STATION] AMBER 엠버 ‘Borders’

Yoonmirae(윤미래) _ No Gravity

Junoflo – VISIONS (Duppy Freestyle)

And just because it’s awesome:
Sawyer Fredericks – Hide Your Ghost

These are in no particular order. Looking at them, I think I need to listen to happier music ^__^

That will be another post.

Suicide

Yesterday, I heard that Kate Spade committed suicide at 55 years old. She’s not the first story of suicide I’ve encountered, nor will it be the last.

When I feel really low and sad, something inside comes and comforts me. I’ve always felt taken care of, even as a young child. A presence, or Jesus, or the trees . . . my lowest points have brought the deepest realizations and reassurances.

So this suicide thing—being so sad and hopeless and lost that you think dying is better—seems so foreign to me. Of course I’ve been sad and depressed and angry, but that is a whole new level.

I wonder what I could do or say to help someone with that, because it just sounds so horrible. It’s giving up on life. I don’t think anything can be so horrible as that.

Not all the time, but there have been times when I’ve just been walking and have felt that life itself, Life with a capital “L”, is in itself worthwhile and special. You don’t need to do anything or be anything. The fact that you are alive makes you special and important. Simply living is a worthwhile goal. No one and nothing can take that away from you. Just eat, sleep, and poop. It’s ok.

Life will end on its own; it has its own timing. At the same time, our life force will carry on I believe. So just let it do its thing. We are all a part of Life, so be alive while you’re alive and accept it when it’s time to move on.

This acceptance is very different from ending this current iteration of life because you’ve given up or because you believe you’re worthless. The Catholic Church, which I grew up in, says that suicide is a sin, and I can see why. It’s really turning your back on God, on Life, and saying I don’t believe in you or trust you. You are saying that you, as a part of Life and God, are not worth it. That God is not worth it.

It’s similar to when we put ourselves down, although to a lesser degree. When we do that, we are saying that we believe in the thoughts and emotions we have more than our True Selves, in God, in Tao, in Presence, in whatever you want to call it. It’s saying that the momentary passing of negative thoughts and emotions, no matter how strong or ongoing, are what is real and important. But that is an illusion.

How horrible the long-term depression people suffer from must be that they can never see the light just beyond the veil of darkness. Even if you can’t feel it, it’s there . . . always there . . . no matter what. No one and nothing else is more important. Absolutely nothing.

Untangling

I received pineal gland opening training from Ilchi Lee last night via a live broadcast from South Korea. All of the energies and possibilities and happenings are still swirling within me, even after a decent sleep. I hope that by freely writing here, I can untangle some of them so that I may be clearer and more effective in my life.

During a recent training/meditation, I could feel that I was “annointed” and that the drive to “prove” it came from the heated buzzing in my head, from my ego. My frustration lately stems from the fact that deep down I have these truthful-seeming realizations that seem to have nothing to do with reality. So then I think that I need to bring them out, make them manifest, by changing myself and taking action. That’s what all of the teachers I’ve read or heard about say. But that’s when things get murky, because I’m not sure what that looks like in reality or what I’m supposed to aim for. In the end, I keep changing my idea instead of heading toward one thing like a stubborn bull with unwavering devotion toward one goal. Then other people tell me what I should be focused on and instead of focusing on it, I rebel and think, no, I will only do what my soul wants and not get distracted. But then I don’t.

Such dilemmas. It’s quite comical. I can laugh at myself at how crazy it is. However, I have felt the deep peace of being and doing exactly what my soul wants in that moment. I think that is true peace and joy. So it’s also not so crazy.

In writing this, I realize once again that, like everything else, following the voice of your soul is a moment by moment choice that needs to be renewed. It requires Presence, rather than running full-steam at something as if the thing itself was the point instead of the process of being immersed in your body and aware of your soul. I need to keep my focus and awareness where it belongs, not on some far away idea of what I think I should be—that is ego territory.

I need to do this regardless of my daily tasks or the sales goals I need to achieve. Although those are present in my life as tools for the growth of my soul, I’ve started to wonder about how helpful they are, at least in the way I’ve been thinking about them and approaching them . . . or rather, the way I’ve been thinking that I should think about and approach them. Mostly, I avoid them as much as I can.

Maybe my relationship toward them needs to change. Again, they may only be useful if I am focusing inside myself, rather than only using the goal as my standard. Perhaps if I do that, I will stop avoiding them and will embrace them instead.

Doing that will give me right direction and right timing. Ilchi Lee has been emphasizing the importance of going in the right direction lately—of following your conscience and doing Hongik actions. I guess it’s the same thing 🙂

Whenever I feel out of step, I realize that I wasn’t so far away after all. In writing in this blog, I often feel assured that I’m okay and on the right track. What a useful blog it is! It’s my personal therapist that helps me to live out the fact that I already have everything I need.

I can trust myself.

Have a beautiful Wednesday!