I sat a lot today.

I sat until my back was stiff, my shoulders were crooked, and my butt hurt.

And then I did bowing meditation . . . awkwardly . . . using my hands to make sure I didn’t topple over as I went up and down.

So, of course, my back and my butt loosened up. And they complained to me as they did so.

Especially, my tailbone. My tailbone and sacrum always have a lot to say. This time, the stuff that came out were affirmations my subconscious holds onto, though they aren’t necessarily true. It felt really good to say and hear them, however.

So I decided to write out what I remember here, a few hours later, to help shed a little light on them.

Stuff that comes out of your butt should stay out, so maybe if I’m clear on what they are, I can fully release them and not be ruled by them unawares.

As Ilchi Lee likes to say, “Take back your brain.” Or butt in this case I guess.

Some of it was in response to energy I was processing from the people around me. This is how I will take ownership of that response.

• My personality is that I don’t like to beg, so if you don’t like me or need what I have to offer, f*%k you. I can take care of it myself.
• I can do it myself.
• The company vision is meaningless, because it changes at any moment, and it’s rarely achieved. While I can move toward that goal, in the beginning, I can’t see many of the steps needed to get there.
• I need to find my own goal and just stick with it, finding my own way instead of being confused by the flurry of activity around me.
• This is all a game.

Man, I can’t remember much of it anymore. The punchiest words are again lost to my subconscious. I’ll catch them if they ever show themselves again.

This morning when I did bowing meditation on my own, all I could feel was that “only love exists.” I guess a good night’s sleep and personal quiet time was in order 😀

If I could do that every morning, that would be a perfect life.

After a recent conversation, I realized that I need to tell myself what I hope to hear from another person.

It’s OK. Even though you are lacking confidence right now, I believe in you. I know you can do it. You just have to make up your mind.

Ilchi Lee says this is like science, meaning, it’s predictable. Even though you weren’t able to do it in the past, with your determination, your brain will find a way.

You don’t need to give up your work when you’re feeling depressed and sad. Just keep trying.

Being a project manager is good for your growth. I will give you real authority so that it’s a meaningful role. What you do really matters.

Just change your energy and you’ll see everything more clearly and brightly.

I believe in you.

“Rosie the Riveter” from MasonContractors.org blog

I’ve been feeling a sense of futility for many reasons lately. One of the reasons is that regardless of how centered or joyful or connected or soul-centered I feel, something always soon happens to cover, suffocate, or wash out this state.

Even though intellectually I know that I just need to become stronger, I had became tired of making myself “right” over the weekend, only to walk into the office on Monday and have it all swept away. This “Monday” consciousness and energy, which didn’t feel good, would slowly seep in from the minute I would enter the office.

I couldn’t fight it off for long. I didn’t have enough energy to do that and work and respond to the needs around me. Within half an hour, I would have surrendered to the inevitable.

Today I decided that I didn’t care. Just like the boy who kept throwing starfish into the sea, one by one, saving as many as he could among the millions on the beach, I can save my moments one by one. If I have even one more moment in which my soul is alive with joy, it is valuable. It’s not pointless. That is one more moment, one more bit of that consciousness and energy that I’ve not only added to my own life, but also to the pool of the world, to the earth itself. I should try to contribute as much as I can.

And if I’m lucky, maybe this accumulation will make my soul energy stronger, so that it can survive in any environment. I promised one of my old Body & Brain members ten years ago that I would work to make the world safe for our souls to come out. So I shouldn’t forget that promise.

Just as we can face one bow in meditation at a time, I can face and contribute one moment at a time. And that is enough.

Actually, it’s Tuesday.

But I want it to still be Monday, because I never finished Monday! And now I have to face the reality of all the things I never finished because I was distracted and sleepy or asked to do other things. Having a two hour lunch with my sister didn’t help either 🙂

So why am I writing this now instead of doing all those things? Writing freely like this often clears my mind and the energy swirling around inside. Exercise would help a lot too, but I thought this would take less time, and I’ve been wanting to write a blog post for a while. Also, I need to get my writing juices flowing, because the tasks I’m avoiding involve writing.

Beginning a letter is often where I get stuck. When my boss tells me about the letter I should ghost write from someone else to a group of people I don’t know, it sounds so easy. But then I start to write and I’m like, “Huh? How do I do this again?”

It’s because my head isn’t fully in the space of the person from whom the letter is being sent. And sometimes it’s because I feel like they wouldn’t really want to send that letter. Whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but it’s a blockage I need to get past. My imagination needs to handle it.

I better try again. Wish me luck!