I actually didn’t drink coffee for three days because I wasn’t feeling well. I was trying to focus on my body and let the pain, stiffness, and nausea pass. I felt so tired, but it seemed like a deep tiredness that caffeine would mask. I wanted to give myself a chance to store up some energy instead of burning it artificially.

I gave in today though. I went to bed too late, and I was too tired in the afternoon. I couldn’t get anything done. And that’s what I hated the most from being semi-incapacitated. I’m know other people who don’t feel well have had a similar feeling.

After drinking a little bit of medium-strength coffee with half & half, I felt like I had gone back to normal. My brain and body were in a state I could recognize. But was that a good thing?

I was happy to not be sleepy anymore, but I knew that coffee could become a substitute for too many things like genuine relationships with myself and others, especially with my body.

I hope I can prevent myself from going further down this slippery slope. Coffee has a lot of benefits, but it’s never good to be so dependent on something. I hope to limit my intake and supplement with water and sleep. I hope I can find other ways to do what coffee does for me. Then I can just enjoy its taste and feeling in my stomach.

THIS VIDEO HELPED ME APPRECIATE COFFEE EVEN MORE

A PICTURE OF TRADITIONAL ETHIOPIAN COFFEE

Writing is such a delicate balance of different brain faculties. Sometimes when I need to write something, I feel like I’m chasing a translucent butterfly dipping and swirling above my head.

The trick is to catch it without crushing it.

My Affirmations for now . . .

Yes, I’m allowed to write well.

Yes, the spirit can shine through.

Yes, the codes will be present.

Yes, I can love fully and wholeheartedly.

I am me. I am yours.