Today, I violently pushed someone away through text when I couldn’t deal with their emotions. My standard center and buffer were gone. The evil thing is that it was a relief. I knew I was being bad, but I wanted the state of their being pushed away.

I had the feeling of, “Well, if you don’t want to do this task or be here then don’t.” Instead of trying to work on it while feeling put upon, say you can’t do anymore or just don’t vent at the person who gave the job to you—the job you agreed to do. Just do your job!

I’m supposed to be understanding of this person’s feelings and situations to every extent regardless of my own situation. Most of the time I can do that, but today, I couldn’t. I didn’t wait for my second and third thoughts to pop up after considering all aspects of the situation. I just went with my first thoughts and changed my environment to suit my current preference, the ramifications be damned!

I have apologized but does it really matter? I broke some deep trust and a pre-existing preconception that can never be brought back.

But I long ago accepted that I am nowhere near perfect. I have disappointed so many people. Maybe everyone. It’s a lesson in self-forgiveness and self-love. I need to love even the evil parts of me.

I need to look more closely and see why I created this episode in my life. And perhaps, it reflects a desire of where I want to be in the future. It may also be a reflection of how critical this person is to my own well-being.

For now, however, I will just sit quietly in my room and play with video subtitles and let the rest of the world burn in the wake of my wrath, mwahahaha!

I actually didn’t drink coffee for three days because I wasn’t feeling well. I was trying to focus on my body and let the pain, stiffness, and nausea pass. I felt so tired, but it seemed like a deep tiredness that caffeine would mask. I wanted to give myself a chance to store up some energy instead of burning it artificially.

I gave in today though. I went to bed too late, and I was too tired in the afternoon. I couldn’t get anything done. And that’s what I hated the most from being semi-incapacitated. I’m know other people who don’t feel well have had a similar feeling.

After drinking a little bit of medium-strength coffee with half & half, I felt like I had gone back to normal. My brain and body were in a state I could recognize. But was that a good thing?

I was happy to not be sleepy anymore, but I knew that coffee could become a substitute for too many things like genuine relationships with myself and others, especially with my body.

I hope I can prevent myself from going further down this slippery slope. Coffee has a lot of benefits, but it’s never good to be so dependent on something. I hope to limit my intake and supplement with water and sleep. I hope I can find other ways to do what coffee does for me. Then I can just enjoy its taste and feeling in my stomach.

THIS VIDEO HELPED ME APPRECIATE COFFEE EVEN MORE

A PICTURE OF TRADITIONAL ETHIOPIAN COFFEE

Writing is such a delicate balance of different brain faculties. Sometimes when I need to write something, I feel like I’m chasing a translucent butterfly dipping and swirling above my head.

The trick is to catch it without crushing it.

My Affirmations for now . . .

Yes, I’m allowed to write well.

Yes, the spirit can shine through.

Yes, the codes will be present.

Yes, I can love fully and wholeheartedly.

I am me. I am yours.

This is another one of my “bunch of videos that I like” posts. I’ve watched these, become excited about them, and then realized there isn’t anyone to share them with who would be interested in them. So I’ll share them here. At least I can share them with myself 🙂

That’s all for now.

This past week, I’ve often wished I could be a rock . . . like the one above.

Rocks, at least many of them, transmit good energy to all who come near. They didn’t have to do thousands of bows or chant for hours without sleeping, although it may have taken millennia for them to become their current shape and mineral makeup. They are just there, sometimes providing a seat to rest one’s weary legs, other times providing shade from the heat or shelter from a storm. Rocks support us just by existing and being what they are.

With the energy and respite they get from rocks, people can change their consciousness. They can have their own awakenings. They don’t have to learn, think, train, or obey. They can just shift in the energy field created by rocks and the rest of nature. By being around rocks, people can become more natural, just like the rocks themselves.

Rocks don’t live or die. They don’t expend energy to grow. Rocks just live out their existence being molded by the natural forces around them. They are part of nature’s great harmony.

Human beings have much more trouble doing this. That’s why I’d rather be a rock, sitting there, automatically giving whatever is needed to whomever passes by.

I feel like I’m at the precipice of a new life and a new self, but I’m afraid to jump off.

If I really face it, I know I’ll have to do it. So I’ve been avoiding looking directly at it. I won’t be able to help accepting it if I fully acknowledge it, because to turn away after full awareness will cause great internal pain. Then it becomes a choice between which pain is worse: the pain of taking a leap or the pain of running away from the edge. So I’ve been avoiding choosing.

But all the factors and people in my life keep kicking and dragging me toward the cliff, forcing my head to turn. They keep stimulating and triggering me, reminding me that I can’t avoid it.

Not jumping is against my purpose, against my self. But it involves truly and completely surrendering myself, at least, my small self, my past, and all the internal and external structures that go with it.

And I don’t even know what I’m jumping toward or how to jump or what it will look like at the bottom. I have no idea.

But one person told me in a reading that I should be like the happy fool who puts one foot in front of the other with faith and no idea where she is going.

Maybe it means to accept my responsibility to grow the Brain Education practice and community. Maybe the path lies in what I am avoiding and resisting the most. Or maybe I need to follow the recommendations for the “Generator” type in Human Design: to respond with “uh huh” or “uh uh” to yes or no questions. Then I’ll know what paths are linked to my sacral energy. Or I can ask my true self, my soul, in meditation.

Will I trust these answers, or just keep sitting and shaking my legs (spinning my wheels – so many clichés)?

Who are you? How do you define yourself? Are you Korean, American, Nigerian, Mexican? Do you call yourself a heterosexual, homosexual, vegan, country boy/girl? Do you consider yourself Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or atheist? 

We all use a lot of labels. Some of these labels were given to us at birth and some of them we adopted as we lived our lives. Some were imposed on us by society and others we chose ourselves. But what do these labels do? How do we use them?

On one hand, when we go down to the core of who we really are, to the very nature of the universe, all labels melt away. In that raw potentiality, labels cannot exist. This is what many people have been enlightened to. 

The Power of Labels

As we step away and look at ourselves and the world at the surface, we see defined boundaries—individual rocks, plants, animals, and human beings. When we want to explain what we see using language, we give these entities names and talk about their characteristics. Then as we seek to understand how the world works, we take another step back and look at systems and populations. We try to find entities that seem to have characteristics in common and group them together, and then we see how they interact with each other. 

These attempts to define and understand our world, and in the process, ourselves, are culturally determined. Different people in different places at different times have described what they saw from their own frame of reference, which itself has evolved and changed. How they did this has had a big impact on the lives of the individuals and groups to which those labels were applied.

Cultural labels determine whether an animal becomes food or a pet. They determine whether a person is praised or persecuted. And they prejudice us to a person’s potential.

They also influence what we pay attention to. Do we prioritize profit or people? Are we only focused on our own community or do we think about the whole world?

If labels have so much power, and yet are fluid and culturally defined, then what labels should we use? Which labels would do the most good for the most people?