Yesterday, I heard that Kate Spade committed suicide at 55 years old. She’s not the first story of suicide I’ve encountered, nor will it be the last.
When I feel really low and sad, something inside comes and comforts me. I’ve always felt taken care of, even as a young child. A presence, or Jesus, or the trees . . . my lowest points have brought the deepest realizations and reassurances.
So this suicide thing—being so sad and hopeless and lost that you think dying is better—seems so foreign to me. Of course I’ve been sad and depressed and angry, but that is a whole new level.
I wonder what I could do or say to help someone with that, because it just sounds so horrible. It’s giving up on life. I don’t think anything can be so horrible as that.
Not all the time, but there have been times when I’ve just been walking and have felt that life itself, Life with a capital “L”, is in itself worthwhile and special. You don’t need to do anything or be anything. The fact that you are alive makes you special and important. Simply living is a worthwhile goal. No one and nothing can take that away from you. Just eat, sleep, and poop. It’s ok.
Life will end on its own; it has its own timing. At the same time, our life force will carry on I believe. So just let it do its thing. We are all a part of Life, so be alive while you’re alive and accept it when it’s time to move on.
This acceptance is very different from ending this current iteration of life because you’ve given up or because you believe you’re worthless. The Catholic Church, which I grew up in, says that suicide is a sin, and I can see why. It’s really turning your back on God, on Life, and saying I don’t believe in you or trust you. You are saying that you, as a part of Life and God, are not worth it. That God is not worth it.
It’s similar to when we put ourselves down, although to a lesser degree. When we do that, we are saying that we believe in the thoughts and emotions we have more than our True Selves, in God, in Tao, in Presence, in whatever you want to call it. It’s saying that the momentary passing of negative thoughts and emotions, no matter how strong or ongoing, are what is real and important. But that is an illusion.
How horrible the long-term depression people suffer from must be that they can never see the light just beyond the veil of darkness. Even if you can’t feel it, it’s there . . . always there . . . no matter what. No one and nothing else is more important. Absolutely nothing.
2 thoughts on “Suicide”
The other day, I got a sense of why people may want to leave the earth. Good thing I wrote this blog post; it helped me keep things in perspective 🙂
After looking at that feeling more closely, I realized that it had to do with caging and denying myself. If you do that, then it feels like you may as well not physically be here, because you are not here energetically. Being fully present and embodied is important for that.
I have a lot of fire in me, but I’m still learning how to use it productively in a way that is beneficial and healing to others, including myself. In the meantime, it feels like that fire is ready to spew out, burning everything in its path. Unfortunately, the after effects of that are not something I like, so I tend to avoid arson if I can help it.
I’ll keep learning and figuring it out. If I live to be 120 years, then I haven’t reached my halfway point yet, so maybe I’ll master it before I leave. Hopefully, soon. It’s practically a requirement for survival at this point.
I know that if you believe there is life after death, then death is not a bad thing. If that’s the case, then why is suicide bad? Why not move on if you want? While I can understand those words, I think I wrote this post because, energetically, so much inside me rejects the idea of ending this life. Perhaps it is residual fear of death or a feeling that I still have more to do. Or perhaps it’s the reason behind the ending of life that I have been rejecting rather than the end of life itself. It still feels like giving up, a rejection. Life is one long marathon. We have to put up with our emotions, thoughts, aches and pains. Silly novels and TV shows are way more fun. Taking care of ourselves, while bringing vitality, satisfaction, and joy, requires discipline and pain as well. And many of us have to or want to take care of others as well. Life ain’t easy. For me, what I’m trying to exist by, body or no body, is what expresses love vs. what doesn’t. If it gives love presence, it’s good and if it doesn’t, then it’s questionable. If moving on from this life is an act of love, then in that circumstance, maybe it’s OK.
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