I feel like I’m at the precipice of a new life and a new self, but I’m afraid to jump off.
If I really face it, I know I’ll have to do it. So I’ve been avoiding looking directly at it. I won’t be able to help accepting it if I fully acknowledge it, because to turn away after full awareness will cause great internal pain. Then it becomes a choice between which pain is worse: the pain of taking a leap or the pain of running away from the edge. So I’ve been avoiding choosing.
But all the factors and people in my life keep kicking and dragging me toward the cliff, forcing my head to turn. They keep stimulating and triggering me, reminding me that I can’t avoid it.
Not jumping is against my purpose, against my self. But it involves truly and completely surrendering myself, at least, my small self, my past, and all the internal and external structures that go with it.
And I don’t even know what I’m jumping toward or how to jump or what it will look like at the bottom. I have no idea.
But one person told me in a reading that I should be like the happy fool who puts one foot in front of the other with faith and no idea where she is going.
Maybe it means to accept my responsibility to grow the Brain Education practice and community. Maybe the path lies in what I am avoiding and resisting the most. Or maybe I need to follow the recommendations for the “Generator” type in Human Design: to respond with “uh huh” or “uh uh” to yes or no questions. Then I’ll know what paths are linked to my sacral energy. Or I can ask my true self, my soul, in meditation.
Will I trust these answers, or just keep sitting and shaking my legs (spinning my wheels – so many clichés)?