Today, I violently pushed someone away through text when I couldn’t deal with their emotions. My standard center and buffer were gone. The evil thing is that it was a relief. I knew I was being bad, but I wanted the state of their being pushed away.
I had the feeling of, “Well, if you don’t want to do this task or be here then don’t.” Instead of trying to work on it while feeling put upon, say you can’t do anymore or just don’t vent at the person who gave the job to you—the job you agreed to do. Just do your job!
I’m supposed to be understanding of this person’s feelings and situations to every extent regardless of my own situation. Most of the time I can do that, but today, I couldn’t. I didn’t wait for my second and third thoughts to pop up after considering all aspects of the situation. I just went with my first thoughts and changed my environment to suit my current preference, the ramifications be damned!
I have apologized but does it really matter? I broke some deep trust and a pre-existing preconception that can never be brought back.
But I long ago accepted that I am nowhere near perfect. I have disappointed so many people. Maybe everyone. It’s a lesson in self-forgiveness and self-love. I need to love even the evil parts of me.
I need to look more closely and see why I created this episode in my life. And perhaps, it reflects a desire of where I want to be in the future. It may also be a reflection of how critical this person is to my own well-being.
For now, however, I will just sit quietly in my room and play with video subtitles and let the rest of the world burn in the wake of my wrath, mwahahaha!
I actually didn’t drink coffee for three days because I wasn’t feeling well. I was trying to focus on my body and let the pain, stiffness, and nausea pass. I felt so tired, but it seemed like a deep tiredness that caffeine would mask. I wanted to give myself a chance to store up some energy instead of burning it artificially.
I gave in today though. I went to bed too late, and I was too tired in the afternoon. I couldn’t get anything done. And that’s what I hated the most from being semi-incapacitated. I’m know other people who don’t feel well have had a similar feeling.
After drinking a little bit of medium-strength coffee with half & half, I felt like I had gone back to normal. My brain and body were in a state I could recognize. But was that a good thing?
I was happy to not be sleepy anymore, but I knew that coffee could become a substitute for too many things like genuine relationships with myself and others, especially with my body.
I hope I can prevent myself from going further down this slippery slope. Coffee has a lot of benefits, but it’s never good to be so dependent on something. I hope to limit my intake and supplement with water and sleep. I hope I can find other ways to do what coffee does for me. Then I can just enjoy its taste and feeling in my stomach.
This is another one of my “bunch of videos that I like” posts. I’ve watched these, become excited about them, and then realized there isn’t anyone to share them with who would be interested in them. So I’ll share them here. At least I can share them with myself 🙂
This past week, I’ve often wished I could be a rock . . . like the one above.
Rocks, at least many of them, transmit good energy to all who come near. They didn’t have to do thousands of bows or chant for hours without sleeping, although it may have taken millennia for them to become their current shape and mineral makeup. They are just there, sometimes providing a seat to rest one’s weary legs, other times providing shade from the heat or shelter from a storm. Rocks support us just by existing and being what they are.
With the energy and respite they get from rocks, people can change their consciousness. They can have their own awakenings. They don’t have to learn, think, train, or obey. They can just shift in the energy field created by rocks and the rest of nature. By being around rocks, people can become more natural, just like the rocks themselves.
Rocks don’t live or die. They don’t expend energy to grow. Rocks just live out their existence being molded by the natural forces around them. They are part of nature’s great harmony.
Human beings have much more trouble doing this. That’s why I’d rather be a rock, sitting there, automatically giving whatever is needed to whomever passes by.
I feel like I’m at the precipice of a new life and a new self, but I’m afraid to jump off.
If I really face it, I know I’ll have to do it. So I’ve been avoiding looking directly at it. I won’t be able to help accepting it if I fully acknowledge it, because to turn away after full awareness will cause great internal pain. Then it becomes a choice between which pain is worse: the pain of taking a leap or the pain of running away from the edge. So I’ve been avoiding choosing.
But all the factors and people in my life keep kicking and dragging me toward the cliff, forcing my head to turn. They keep stimulating and triggering me, reminding me that I can’t avoid it.
Not jumping is against my purpose, against my self. But it involves truly and completely surrendering myself, at least, my small self, my past, and all the internal and external structures that go with it.
And I don’t even know what I’m jumping toward or how to jump or what it will look like at the bottom. I have no idea.
But one person told me in a reading that I should be like the happy fool who puts one foot in front of the other with faith and no idea where she is going.
Maybe it means to accept my responsibility to grow the Brain Education practice and community. Maybe the path lies in what I am avoiding and resisting the most. Or maybe I need to follow the recommendations for the “Generator” type in Human Design: to respond with “uh huh” or “uh uh” to yes or no questions. Then I’ll know what paths are linked to my sacral energy. Or I can ask my true self, my soul, in meditation.
Will I trust these answers, or just keep sitting and shaking my legs (spinning my wheels – so many clichés)?
Who are you? How do you define yourself? Are you Korean, American, Nigerian, Mexican? Do you call yourself a heterosexual, homosexual, vegan, country boy/girl? Do you consider yourself Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or atheist?
We all use a lot of labels. Some of these labels were given to us at birth and some of them we adopted as we lived our lives. Some were imposed on us by society and others we chose ourselves. But what do these labels do? How do we use them?
On one hand, when we go down to the core of who we really are, to the very nature of the universe, all labels melt away. In that raw potentiality, labels cannot exist. This is what many people have been enlightened to.
The Power of Labels
As we step away and look at ourselves and the world at the surface, we see defined boundaries—individual rocks, plants, animals, and human beings. When we want to explain what we see using language, we give these entities names and talk about their characteristics. Then as we seek to understand how the world works, we take another step back and look at systems and populations. We try to find entities that seem to have characteristics in common and group them together, and then we see how they interact with each other.
These attempts to define and understand our world, and in the process, ourselves, are culturally determined. Different people in different places at different times have described what they saw from their own frame of reference, which itself has evolved and changed. How they did this has had a big impact on the lives of the individuals and groups to which those labels were applied.
Cultural labels determine whether an animal becomes food or a pet. They determine whether a person is praised or persecuted. And they prejudice us to a person’s potential.
They also influence what we pay attention to. Do we prioritize profit or people? Are we only focused on our own community or do we think about the whole world?
If labels have so much power, and yet are fluid and culturally defined, then what labels should we use? Which labels would do the most good for the most people?
I’m just posting this here because I was looking for GIFs for another blog post and I saw this and, as the title says, I love it! I just want to keep watching it. Why not embed this Soul Train dancer on my own blog so I can come back and see it anytime I want? I hope it brings you just as much joy. This person is such a beautiful dancer. I’m grateful to her.
Since I started doing Body & Brain Yoga Tai Chi, I’ve been increasingly aware of my tailbone. I have a blockage in my sacrum area on the left side of my spine. My left bladder meridian along my back is usually blocked in general, especially between my left shoulder blade and my spine.
When I do the practice or get any kind of energy work done, these blockages open, sometimes only partially. Then they close again soon after. Part of this is the ongoing process of opening the energy of your body and mind, and it supports the need for diligence and consistency. But I also started to study some of my habits that may be creating blockages in these specific places and examine what is stuck there.
Unfortunately, when I do realize something about these blockages, I forget the details soon after. So I’m finally going to keep more of a log. I do have some observations written down in various places, but it’s not organized. One thing that’s easy to realize because it’s ever-present is that I have anger stored in my tailbone. Even when I was doing 1000 bows per day for 21 days back in 2010, I couldn’t release all the anger there. It would circulate, I would see it, and there was more and more and more.
I’ve also realized that my tailbone has a lot of “I want” and “I don’t want.” It’s very opinionated. One person I went hiking with in Boynton Canyon near Sedona, Arizona told me that the tailbone is the rudder of our lives. It steers our course. Does that mean I should be listening to my tailbone more? Or does it mean that my insistent, angry, frustrated tailbone needs to be better connected with my heart so that they can work together in tandem. Because while I appreciate my tailbone’s action-oriented directions, many of them have to do with protection and survival rather than growth or oneness. Do I need to make sure these are satisfied until my upper chakras come into play, or are these basic physical wants endless? If they can never be fully satisfied, then as long as my physical self is basically ok, can I ignore the rest and move on? I’m not sure. I’ve tried both ignoring and satisfying, and it only makes a momentary difference either way, but maybe I’m not doing either long enough or in the right way.
If you look at the energy principles that Ilchi Lee and Body & Brain Yoga teaches, though, I can never really feel like a creator in my life until the energy that goes up my back flows freely and abundantly. I think that will require both consistent, targeted energy practice and uncovering the reason I have weaknesses there in the first place. Toby Alexander claims that even if we watch ourselves or do meditation, you can’t change something unless you remove the blockages at the source (he has different names for these). That makes sense. But do I need to rely on someone else to remove them, or can I do it myself? Is one person’s method better than another person’s method? Or do I simply need my focused will and my inner knowing?
I’ve found that I know a lot that I don’t realize at the moment. I think I’ve come into this life with the knowledge of how to create, change, and repair the light structures that hold our reality together. Even as I said that, I only barely understand it. But I’ve had enough experiences in my life that I’ve accepted this idea.
So I’ll keep exploring, trying, and reporting. I wonder how my life would change if I managed to manage this blockage or eliminate it altogether. It’s fun to look forward to experiencing such a state.