Today, I violently pushed someone away through text when I couldn’t deal with their emotions. My standard center and buffer were gone. The evil thing is that it was a relief. I knew I was being bad, but I wanted the state of their being pushed away.
I had the feeling of, “Well, if you don’t want to do this task or be here then don’t.” Instead of trying to work on it while feeling put upon, say you can’t do anymore or just don’t vent at the person who gave the job to you—the job you agreed to do. Just do your job!
I’m supposed to be understanding of this person’s feelings and situations to every extent regardless of my own situation. Most of the time I can do that, but today, I couldn’t. I didn’t wait for my second and third thoughts to pop up after considering all aspects of the situation. I just went with my first thoughts and changed my environment to suit my current preference, the ramifications be damned!
I have apologized but does it really matter? I broke some deep trust and a pre-existing preconception that can never be brought back.
But I long ago accepted that I am nowhere near perfect. I have disappointed so many people. Maybe everyone. It’s a lesson in self-forgiveness and self-love. I need to love even the evil parts of me.
I need to look more closely and see why I created this episode in my life. And perhaps, it reflects a desire of where I want to be in the future. It may also be a reflection of how critical this person is to my own well-being.
For now, however, I will just sit quietly in my room and play with video subtitles and let the rest of the world burn in the wake of my wrath, mwahahaha!