Someone asked me to share about my high school experiences related to mental health. I was highly resistant to this at first, because I haven’t been in the mood to share lately. But I decided to take a stab at it. What would I actually share if I sat down to do it. Here goes . . . .

For most of my life, I’ve been shy and self-conscious to varying degrees. As it may be for many people, high school was a pressure cooker. It was a time of rapid growth, and that growth felt like it was being done in a fishbowl; everyone can see you and judge you. That may not be true, but that’s what it felt like at the time.

I wasn’t a popular kid, but I had some good friends that I liked. I could never understand why they liked me, but I was always grateful that they did. I’d take it. I was always like that, which sounds kind of pathetic when I write it. But I genuinely liked and admired these people, so I guess it’s OK. And some of them (not all), like me, didn’t party, drink, date, or any of that stuff. It was like a never been kissed club for a while. So we had each other to do things that we actually liked.

I was pretty good in school and could get top grades most of the time if I put in effort. I liked learning and I liked listening in class. I’ve never really liked studying, but until high school and college, I could get away with just listening in class, doing the homework, and reviewing the things that needed to be memorized. I was socially rewarded for doing well in school and proud of that.

I went to a small parochial school through eighth grade and then attended the local public high school. So my freshman year, I was suddenly thrown into a big pond with lots of strangers. I really wanted to do everything—and do it well. My Earth Science teacher emphasized consistency in order to do well. So I spent my freshman year in a constant state of stress. Although I fell asleep at night easily because I was tired, I was even stressed while I slept. I had picked up so many balls and I was afraid of letting even one of them drop just a little for fear of what that would mean. Would it mean I was incompetent? Would I even have a future if I can’t handle this? It felt like a time that would define my life. I was stretching myself so much, trying new things, while not knowing at first who really liked me and whether I was good enough. So of course I was stressed. I had no sense of security or safety outside of my family. My family was helpful, but even that had limitations.

I realize now that it was natural to feel stressed, and that I don’t need to be stressed about being stressed. But at the time, I thought that maybe I was bad, because everyone else seemed to be handling life with relative ease and even seemed to have fun sometimes. And everything seems bigger and more dramatic when you’re younger, growing, and subject to hormonal fluctuations than when you have some experience and your life and body have stabilized.

My first semester freshman year of high school, it got to the point where I even broke down crying during our swim team practice. So my wise and warm-hearted coach recommended I visit the school counselor. I started seeing her regularly, and it was helpful. At one point, she pointed out that I was not only taking on my own problems, but felt like I was responsible for everything and everyone around me. I laughed out loud with relief at that and started to chill out more. That was a big relief for me.

Of course, with time, I got used to high school. It was a lot of work, and I was still trying to to better, but I wasn’t having emotional breakdowns like my freshman year, when I felt like I had no time to stop or think or feel. I became at least a little more confident socially and academically, although I did have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after having a mild Epstein Barr infection my junior year.

By the end of high school, though, I was so burnt out. After college, I was even more burnt out, and that memory has made me resistant to making something so important that I feel too burned out. Burning out, though, makes you slow down. That taught me that slowing down or not doing well is not the end of the world. Life goes on. So you always have a choice.

One thing I can say is that although I was self-conscious, I was looking for my own values in high school, exploring what I wanted to value. My teachers, family, friends, and the media influenced that, but it was a calculation my brain was constantly making without my explicitly asking it to. I was trying to figure out my world. It wasn’t like I was only trying to fit in, although I did try to some extent. But I also wanted to express myself and be seen as who I was (which I thought was a fixed thing at the time). So I was resistant to changing myself too much for others. I’m still like that today, although I’ve become a bit more flexible.

Nowadays, I still want to do well yet never feel like I am. I also retained my tendency to take responsibility for everything, although I end up actually taking responsibility for nothing. But now I have tools—Brain Education tools. Through Brain Education, I’ve realized that my desire to take care of everything is a natural desire of my soul, which is connected to everything. Brain Education taught me that if I keep my energy full and bright, I can handle that responsibility. And by keeping my energy full and bright, I’m actually fulfilling that responsibility. I’ve also learned that if stay consciously connected to myself and the universe, the energy I need for my intentions will come to me. I also know how to gather that energy in my body in a way that let’s me use it effectively. When I do this, I don’t need to worry so much about burning out.

On my Brain Education journey, I’ve been able to discover my true self and true value, which is independent of my environment, including other people’s thoughts and opinions. It’s even independent of my own thoughts and opinions! Having a visceral experience of this has helped me tear myself away from any self-flagellation I may initiate out of habit, hormones, or low energy levels.

I wonder . . . how would my high school years have gone if I’d known Brain Education then?

I want to tell the story of my recent feeling interactions with my Aunt Josephine.

A month or so ago, when I first heard she was in the hospital and was refusing to get dialysis, I was sad, and tried to connect to her soul. I didn’t know what I could do, but I wanted to help the best I could and the only way I could. When I tried it, I could feel Jesus embracing and encasing her soul. He was taking care of her. He had it covered. I was so happy and humbled by sensing that.

Then last Sunday, I got a message that she was in the hospital again, that she was in hospice, and had/was in sepsis/septic shock. I’ve had another aunt and an uncle die from that, so I feared the worst, and I was very sad. I was more deeply sad than I could handle at once, so I only let the sadness seep out little by little after the initial shock.

I didn’t want to lose Aunt Josephine, even though I hadn’t seen her or talked to her for years. I also didn’t want to hold her back or go against her wishes. So my thoughts and energies were swirling around inside. I moved my body and cleaned the house a bit. As I did, I had this feeling of Aunt Josephine being trapped inside her body and pushing against her situation, trying to get out. She didn’t want to be there. So I prayed that Aunt Josephine’s soul got whatever it wanted.

A couple of days later, I received a text that she had passed away. I was sad again, especially that I hadn’t had a chance to see her alive again. The feelers of my heart and soul went out to her soul once again. . . . She was so happy! She seemed so bright and strong and free. I felt so blessed to be in her spiritual presence.

And then my mom appeared. My mother died thirteen years ago. I felt their togetherness and their blessing toward me. Instead of feeling like my aunt and my mom, they felt like my sisters, as if we had been sisters for a long time.

At that moment, I felt utter clarity that I absolutely had to go to New York for the wake and the funeral. Energy needed to move in that direction, and things I didn’t understand (and still don’t) needed to happen.

Today I attended Aunt Josephines wake; I saw her body. Dead bodies really look dead. That body did not look or feel like Aunt Josephine. If Aunt Josephine was that body, she would be really and truly gone. But that’s not Aunt Josephine at all. She still exists; she’s in all of our hearts. Especially since I haven’t physically seen or spoken to her in a long time, and have only been able to communicate soul to soul, she still seems real to me, even though I keep going through bouts of sadness, particularly when other people are sad.

Congratulations Aunt Josephine for beginning a new chapter of your eternal life.

I love you.

I sat a lot today.

I sat until my back was stiff, my shoulders were crooked, and my butt hurt.

And then I did bowing meditation . . . awkwardly . . . using my hands to make sure I didn’t topple over as I went up and down.

So, of course, my back and my butt loosened up. And they complained to me as they did so.

Especially, my tailbone. My tailbone and sacrum always have a lot to say. This time, the stuff that came out were affirmations my subconscious holds onto, though they aren’t necessarily true. It felt really good to say and hear them, however.

So I decided to write out what I remember here, a few hours later, to help shed a little light on them.

Stuff that comes out of your butt should stay out, so maybe if I’m clear on what they are, I can fully release them and not be ruled by them unawares.

As Ilchi Lee likes to say, “Take back your brain.” Or butt in this case I guess.

Some of it was in response to energy I was processing from the people around me. This is how I will take ownership of that response.

• My personality is that I don’t like to beg, so if you don’t like me or need what I have to offer, f*%k you. I can take care of it myself.
• I can do it myself.
• The company vision is meaningless, because it changes at any moment, and it’s rarely achieved. While I can move toward that goal, in the beginning, I can’t see many of the steps needed to get there.
• I need to find my own goal and just stick with it, finding my own way instead of being confused by the flurry of activity around me.
• This is all a game.

Man, I can’t remember much of it anymore. The punchiest words are again lost to my subconscious. I’ll catch them if they ever show themselves again.

This morning when I did bowing meditation on my own, all I could feel was that “only love exists.” I guess a good night’s sleep and personal quiet time was in order 😀

If I could do that every morning, that would be a perfect life.

After a recent conversation, I realized that I need to tell myself what I hope to hear from another person.

It’s OK. Even though you are lacking confidence right now, I believe in you. I know you can do it. You just have to make up your mind.

Ilchi Lee says this is like science, meaning, it’s predictable. Even though you weren’t able to do it in the past, with your determination, your brain will find a way.

You don’t need to give up your work when you’re feeling depressed and sad. Just keep trying.

Being a project manager is good for your growth. I will give you real authority so that it’s a meaningful role. What you do really matters.

Just change your energy and you’ll see everything more clearly and brightly.

I believe in you.

“Rosie the Riveter” from MasonContractors.org blog

I’ve been feeling a sense of futility for many reasons lately. One of the reasons is that regardless of how centered or joyful or connected or soul-centered I feel, something always soon happens to cover, suffocate, or wash out this state.

Even though intellectually I know that I just need to become stronger, I had became tired of making myself “right” over the weekend, only to walk into the office on Monday and have it all swept away. This “Monday” consciousness and energy, which didn’t feel good, would slowly seep in from the minute I would enter the office.

I couldn’t fight it off for long. I didn’t have enough energy to do that and work and respond to the needs around me. Within half an hour, I would have surrendered to the inevitable.

Today I decided that I didn’t care. Just like the boy who kept throwing starfish into the sea, one by one, saving as many as he could among the millions on the beach, I can save my moments one by one. If I have even one more moment in which my soul is alive with joy, it is valuable. It’s not pointless. That is one more moment, one more bit of that consciousness and energy that I’ve not only added to my own life, but also to the pool of the world, to the earth itself. I should try to contribute as much as I can.

And if I’m lucky, maybe this accumulation will make my soul energy stronger, so that it can survive in any environment. I promised one of my old Body & Brain members ten years ago that I would work to make the world safe for our souls to come out. So I shouldn’t forget that promise.

Just as we can face one bow in meditation at a time, I can face and contribute one moment at a time. And that is enough.

Actually, it’s Tuesday.

But I want it to still be Monday, because I never finished Monday! And now I have to face the reality of all the things I never finished because I was distracted and sleepy or asked to do other things. Having a two hour lunch with my sister didn’t help either 🙂

So why am I writing this now instead of doing all those things? Writing freely like this often clears my mind and the energy swirling around inside. Exercise would help a lot too, but I thought this would take less time, and I’ve been wanting to write a blog post for a while. Also, I need to get my writing juices flowing, because the tasks I’m avoiding involve writing.

Beginning a letter is often where I get stuck. When my boss tells me about the letter I should ghost write from someone else to a group of people I don’t know, it sounds so easy. But then I start to write and I’m like, “Huh? How do I do this again?”

It’s because my head isn’t fully in the space of the person from whom the letter is being sent. And sometimes it’s because I feel like they wouldn’t really want to send that letter. Whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but it’s a blockage I need to get past. My imagination needs to handle it.

I better try again. Wish me luck!